It also seems that I’ve been replaced at good ol’ uBookedMe since I can’t even access the FTP server, and books have been added to the catalog without my knowledge. Sadface. I’ll show them — if you need books for next or any following semesters, go to uBookedMe.com first to see if the book you need is available, order, and put my name 8256 in the promotion code box for free shipping. I’LL STILL HAVE A PRESENCE!! Maybe I should make an awesomeeee new layout to show that they can’t have it. Hehehh.

No one is here to keep me company…someone come visit me! I’m melting from boredom.

I’ve been feeling increasingly burned out as this semester progresses. I guess the amount of stuff I end up piling on myself has finally reached a breaking point, and I’ve come to a fork in the road — do I endure, or do I give up? I haven’t felt any motivation to keep studying or keep working, which I suppose bodes ill for the career path I’ve chosen. I also suppose this is odd because I was 4 for 5 in getting A’s on my first round of tests…maybe I’ve come to the point where I don’t need to study anymore? (If only.) But arrrrrrrrgh Organic Chemistry next week a;kljsfd;da. I swear I hate that class worse than Physics.

I’ve also felt like I’ve wasted my Spring Break away. I haven’t seen anyone this whole entire week, mostly because they’re either vacationing, out-of-state, or I don’t feel comfortable enough anymore to call them and ask to hang out, which I guess only highlights how far we’ve gone our separate ways since high school. DEPRESSING. So this break, I’ve managed to bum around all day watching Asian dramas. Hahhh. In doing so, I’ve added another actor to my growing list of favorite Asian actors: Lee Min Ho. Fangirl with me?

ALSO — I feel the need to ask this: WHY ARE KOREAN GUYS SO PRETTY? Honestly. Case and point, the rest of Min Ho’s co-stars:

Wtf, they’re all prettier than the average girl. What’s up with that.

Things are back to “normal,” per say. Although I’m taking everything one step at a time, I’ll never forget what I learned about myself during that time. I guess the biggest lessons in life are learned the hard way. If anything, I don’t regret feeling like utter crap that one week — what came out of it I’ll always remember: Stop waiting around for someone to dote on you. Be more independent, learn how to do things without anyone else with you. Even as a couple, you are two separate people. Never compromise to the point where you don’t recognize yourself anymore. I also learned the people I could turn to, the people who would always be there for me (or at least try). I re-established relationships with other people and connected to others with whom I didn’t really converse with before.

I’m also left wondering when anniversaries are now. I’m an overly sentimental person, but does it just pick up where we left off, or do we just start over? It’s a stupid thing to think about, but if nothing ever happened, today would’ve been another month in this whole long ordeal.

But anyways, enough emo-ing. It’s time to be happy and finish this paper! My reward at the end of the week: a concert headlined by Panic! At the Disco featuring The Cab, The Plain White T’s, and Dashboard Confessional. In reality, the only band I’m going to the concert for is Dashboard Confessional and maybe The Cab. AHH I’m so excitedddd…!

Also, in the midst of my procrastination, I found this, which was a little bit freaky. It’s even complete with creepy music!

My results:

You have always been on the move seeking affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Your ultimate goal has been the realisation of an intimate union in which there could be love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust. It has often been said that ‘True love is just around the corner’ and – if you haven’t found it as yet – you possibly soon will.

You are working extremely hard – perhaps even above and beyond the call of duty. You are preparing for the future and therefore trying to build a firm trouble-free foundation upon which you may base all of your dreams and aspirations.

You are feeling under considerable pressure and you are being forced to make concessions. You are not particularly happy with this state of affairs but you feel that you have no alternative. If you were to force issues you would be left out or completely ignored by one and all.

Recent disappointment has led you to become truly introverted. You are becoming suspicious of everybody and consequently you now feel that you are unable to trust anybody. Unfortunately it would appear that you are curbing your natural enthusiasm and imaginative nature – perhaps this is because you are fearful that you may become over enthused and find that you could possibly be carried away by wishful thinking. You are keeping your distance to see whether attitudes towards you are sincere – but this watchfulness could easily develop into suspicion and distrust.

You are inclined to be too trusting and you feel that you need to be on your guard against the possibility that your endeavours and actions may be misunderstood. Too often you have been taken advantage of and you have been mentally abused. Now you are seeking a relationship which can provide peace of mind, where you can be yourself and not have the need to put on a false front.

Ha. Hahaha. Ha. Ha. Clicking on colored cubes was fun though. I wonder how they translate all that into a personality-type analysis.

Ugnhhrnf. But…I’d still call today a success though, and that’s what makes me happy.

I actually feel good today. I feel normal. There’s still times where I lapse into a negative state of mind, but for the most part I find that I’m rediscovering exactly who I am without any strings or commitments attached. And the icing on the cake was when my students in my research class that I TA for acknowledged me and my help for their inquiry, which only made me feel appreciated

I still find myself holding on to the future, but I only do so with a grain of salt. (Is that the right saying? Hah) You never forget your “first”; he’s the one you always compare others to. It’s hard to let go of so many years, so many days of being together, but my only choice right now is to move on. Aside from the Genetics test I still have to cram for, the Psychology statistics quiz I need to study for, the Psychology statistics paper I still have to write, and the Physics homework I still have to do, it was a good day. I have all of my wonderful and amazing friends for that — thank you for the multihour 3 AM phone calls, the advice, the reassuring messages, the page long emails…thank you for holding me up when I needed it the most.

My life is full of ironies.

I’ve been attempting to turn all my negative energy into creative energy. Surprisingly, I’ve gotten results.  (The fruits of my labor are currently on my “Currently” page ) Things that I used to do but have forgotten about are slowly coming back to me, and I’m finding solace in them. The internet has always been a sort of haven for me; I’ve been meeting people since the sixth grade through mutual interests and a love for webdesign. I find that it’s easier to express myself online than it is to express myself in person when you’re making conversation with new people; you have the ability and the chance to think longer about the words you want to use or decide which piece of information you want to divulge about yourself. You have time to correct your mistakes because there is a monitor and several hundred miles between you and…it’s just easier.

Am I this awkward in real life? Ha. And for those of you who might be worrying that these “people” are actually in fact sexual online predators, everyone I’ve met and held friendships with are young, smart, ambitious, and talented people. It’s amazing the vast multitude of people that are on the internet and how fast you can come to admire them.

I’m coping. I’m attempting to heal. It’s a long process. If anything, I can use this for my “overcoming an obstacle” answer during med school interviews. (Ha! A joke!)

This week has been the biggest emotional rollercoaster of my life. No one really knows what happened; those who might have an inkling are too afraid to ask. On top of that, my mom texted me earlier tonight after my organic chemistry test informing me that she was taking my dad to the doctor’s because he’s been really sick — urinating blood, feeling pain in the abdomen, feeling extremely unwell. Things have been piling up on me, and I feel as if I were Atlas with the weight of world on my shoulders, unable to move because any wrong step could shatter what confidence I do have. And when I see that yet another undeserving person from high school has died, I feel as if we’re all helpless to stop whatever happens. Why do we even try?

Excuse my extremely emo and somewhat cryptic entry. I haven’t been feeling well, and I feel as if I’m being pulled in a million different directions with an anchor attached to my leg. My usual crutch isn’t here, and when I get to feeling like this I find writing is somewhat therapeutic.

This semester has been a serious doozy. I’m gradually learning how to balance every thing, but I still manage to study last minute. Like now. I actually go to the library though, so I think I’ve become a more efficient studier….just not perhaps in this case because I’m seriously distracted by my laptop. My favorite professor this semester is definitely my Psychology prof — Dr. Carroll. He’s basically just a seriously excentric version of Mr. Thornberg, and he actually is aware of what’s going on most of the time. He mumbles like Thornberg and says random statements like Thornberg though. It’s an entertaining class, which makes up for the APA style research papers basically due every week Muuuust learn how to manage better though, because my classes only get worse. I managed to start planning my schedule for the spring yesterday when course schedules came out and it currently looks like this. Yum. Definitely not final since I’m still trying to figure out if I should take Cell or Molecular Bio amongst other things.

Other things worth mentioning:

• As an undergraduate TA for a class, I sometimes help out with grading. Most recently, students in the class turned in a lab report describing an experiment they designed and implemented. I’ve learned that the majority of the students have really bad grammar and don’t know how to label figures, tables, and graphs. Like forreal forreal. My hand hurts from writing “Label figures!” a bagazillion times.
• I finally got a new iPod! I’ve been without one for almost 2 years, and got the sleek new 120 GB classic that I’ve lovingly dubbed “Darth Vader” (cause it’s black, get it??). If I had more money, I would’ve gotten the 16 or 32 Touch, but I figure 120 GB > 16 GB…even if the Touch does have WiFi :/
• I have an interview with the Associate Dean of the College of Natural Sciences, who also happens to be the Faculty Director of JAMP. Applicants for the program basically set up an interview time with his secretary once their applications are finished, and he basically grills you with questions so he has something positive (or negative) to write about you in the letter. People have cried from this interview…..and I still need to find an articulate and unique way of answering “Tell me about yourself” and “Why medicine?” WAH.

Okay study time!